The first cramp – the beginning of a shift

Suddenly.
A cramp. A knot in my stomach.
An inexplicable restlessness. Fear gripping me from within.

I noticed myself trying to suppress it.
I don’t want to feel this way.
But this is how it always goes:
the harder I push it away, the louder it becomes.

With the tension came the thoughts. Limiting stories.
A fearful future forming in my mind.
Poof. I was gone. Out of the NOW. Lost in a fictitious future.

My survival mode kicks in

Yep. My trauma part was triggered. Where? When? By what?
No idea. But by now, I recognize my pattern.

My survival system was in full alert mode, blaring.
Trying to keep me safe. It always does. It has done so my entire life.

Watch out. This could go wrong. This is dangerous. Stay alert. Stay in control.
Hyper-alert. Switched on. On the lookout.

By now, I know: these mechanisms don’t go away.
Triggers will always show up.
And they invite us not to avoid or suppress, but to look.
To listen.

This is old pain. This is an old wound. This wants to be seen.

Of course. This touches my deepest core:
The fear of being alone. Of not making it. Of not being enough.

It’s old, very old.
It comes from my childhood.
It is my personal background.
It is transgenerational trauma.
And it is also a collective programming.

The choice: fight, flight or observe?

Then I have two choices.

Either I fall back into my old pattern and try to stay in control.
I work harder. I try to fix things. Or I shrink under the weight of fear.

Or I look, listen, and feel what this is really about.
I have made a promise to myself that whenever I feel tension, something wants to be seen.
And I will look.

I promise myself, I promise my feelings, that I will stay loyal and look.
No matter how scary it feels.

Breaking the pattern

So:
I gathered my courage.
I sat down.
And I invited the feeling in.

I softened. I breathed.
I said: Thank you for showing yourself. What do you want to tell me? What am I not seeing yet?

I looked.
I felt.
I asked.
And I waited.

Then it came.

 

The illusion of safety

Suddenly, I felt cold.
I pulled a blanket tighter around my shoulders.

A blanket. Protection.

There it was.

My dwindling bank account, combined with not knowing what comes next, was gnawing at that blanket.
This blanket – and therefore my bank account or money flow – was my illusion of safety.

With every payment, my balance seemed to shrink,
and my blanket got thinner.
My control slipped away.

Or so it seemed.

Here it all came up:

My belief that I need to know everything.
That I need control.
That I am only ‘safe’ if I can predict the future.
That I need ‘certainty’ to be okay.

My false sense of security.

 

The old programming

And I felt how deeply rooted that belief was.

Of course. I know the collective narratives all too well.

You have to be realistic.
You need certainty.
That’s just how the world works.
You live on Earth, you have to work hard.
You have responsibilities.

Yes. That’s what I was taught.
That’s what the old system tells us.

But what if that isn’t true?
What if I don’t choose that as my Truth?
What if that is not my reality?

Deep inside, I felt: this is not my truth.

 

What if it was never about money?

I knew this wasn’t really about my bank account, money, or a fear of lack.

This was about my belief that I still seek something outside myself,
because I think I need it.

And that belief must change.
Because I have decided to let go of all that old programming and feel the freedom beyond fear.
I have decided to reprogram myself.

I want to discover what lies beyond the fear.

And if I ask for this process,
then I shouldn’t be surprised when it presents itself, right?

I reminded myself: this is actually a beautiful gift.

 

True freedom

So I did the only thing I could do.

I felt it.
I allowed it.
I softened.

Because this is the path.

Not avoiding fear.
But feeling and transforming it.

That is true freedom.

Freedom that doesn’t come from control.
Not from having everything perfectly arranged.
But from knowing that I am always supported.
That I am always held.

Everything flows when I let go

 

And that is why I am so grateful for the people around me.
For the mirrors that show me where I still keep myself small.
For loving presence, without judgment.
For shared exploration, unraveling, acknowledgment, and shifting.

Looking together.
In whatever form.

Because this is growth.
This is coming home.
This is gold.

 

And then, this happens...

And the gift I unwrapped next
was that a beautiful course emerged.

On money.
On the triggers beneath it.
On how we can move beyond them.

At first, I was searching: What should I do now?
Then I started writing, letting go, reprogramming.
Then I recorded beautiful meditations.
And then, suddenly...

I felt it:
"Now I’m going all in. I’m moving through my fear and paying the whole thing. With Love. With complete trust."

And an hour later, my phone rang.

“Evelien, would you like to submit a proposal?”

Yes. Exactly. Everything at the perfect moment.

And even if that phone call hadn’t come,
it would still have been okay.

Because I am safe.
In every NOW moment, I am held by something far greater
than my trauma and survival mechanisms.

Yes, these parts are indeed part of me.
And yet, there is – I am – something far greater.

That rememberance—THAT was the whole point.
This took me beyond fear, closer to Truth.

Thank you, tension.
Thank you, body.
Thank you, for the renewed remembrance.

I am Home.
Here. Now.

 

And your tension? What is your gift in that?

And you? Where does your tension point lead you?
What fear keeps returning, and what if that is an invitation to discover something new?