It was so clear.
Six years after my last intensive training in Systemic Work, I felt it:
I want to complete the circle.
I deserve another journey.
Depth.
Anchoring.
Sharpening.
Alignment.

On the first day, we started with order.
A theater hall. 30 participants and the invitation to stand on the stage in the right group.

Too funny how my saboteurs immediately took over.
The first group: if you work with groups and apply this work regularly.
Do I belong there?

Yes. Actually, I do.
But if I go there, then they'll think I'm good at this.
Then something will be expected of me.

I noticed the thoughts and shook myself awake.
“Come on, Eef, of course, you belong there. Stand up.”
This delay led to me being the last to step onto the stage, and thus, systematically, I ended up in the first position.
I wasn't even aware of it at that moment.

Then this group was asked to order themselves by how long they've been working with this material. Again, my head and my saboteurs: okay, I’ve been doing this for a long time, but mostly for myself.
Not for others for so long.
I moved one place to the left.
How does it feel here?
Sigh. Yes, this feels comfortable.

And then she looked at me piercingly.

“Eve, do you recognize this pattern?”

It hit deep. Ouch. This is my pattern. This is so old.
This is the child in me with a survival pattern of making myself invisible.
Of adapting. Of pleasing.
Of making myself small.
Just to be safe. It serves no one.
It didn’t serve anyone in the past.
And it certainly serves no one now.

It has nothing to do with ego. Nothing to do with bigger, smaller, better, less good. Nothing at all.
This is the movement of the soul.
This is – simply – the systemic right movement.
If I’ve been involved the longest (and that was the question), then I have to take my place.
My neighbor and I switched places.
And immediately I felt not just a wave of peace within myself.
The wave of peace spread across the whole stage, through all 30 people standing there, witnessing my process.

Taking the right place – whether it’s the first, the second, or the last, that’s not the point – makes the whole system feel that this is correct.
Never before felt so strongly in my body as then.

The movement has been made.
New neural pathways have been activated in my nervous system: I stand.
In the right place.
I stand.
I am.
And I stay.

And so it is.