They just know.
He just knows.

It’s been a year now, but the experience touches me again.

We were standing in the kitchen.
I saw his confusion, his restlessness.
Suddenly, I felt what I had to do.
We – as parents – were going through a process together. It was indeed so confusing. We had already lost each other so much.
And if you’re not sure yourself, if you’re not clear yourself, isn’t it best to say nothing at all?
So often we – as adults – think we need to protect them by not telling them.
By not speaking it out.
By just fixing it for a while.
Until they’re big enough.

But who is it really about then?
Can they not handle it?
Or is it actually me who can’t?
Am I – if I’m really honest – actually waiting until I’m big enough myself?
Until I dare?
Until I can handle my own pain?

I call myself to order.
I’m 46.
How much bigger do I want to get?

No. Clearly.
I now have to take responsibility.
I am the big one.
He is the small one.

And the little one knows.
With a deep, clear inner knowing.
Their greatest strength.
But the confusion I sow with my fear is the confusion that makes it murky for them.
It is my fear that makes them start to doubt themselves because their reality is no longer congruent.
What they see and hear no longer matches their feelings.
And don’t we all know that?
From when we were little?

“I must be wrong.”

And so we silence ourselves.
So we silence our deep inner knowing,
our Truth and Wisdom.

I have traveled a path to find that again.
Knowing what I know now, what do I want to pass on? To him?
And through him, to his brothers, and to all other children?

I knew what I had to do.
I looked at him.

“Sweetheart, what you feel is right.”

The pain and sadness I expected did not come.
And if they had, it would have been fine too because I can hold space for him.
I can carry it, so he can move through it.

What came in this moment was relief.
Relief. A deep sigh.
I saw his shoulders relax.

Yes. This is the truth.
Acknowledging what is. The highest good.
Even if it is sad; knowing that your feelings are right is the most empowering thing.

“Yes, Mum.
That’s right. And I already knew.
I knew before you did.”

Yes, sweetheart, I see you. I see that you already knew.
And it’s true.
What you feel is right.

And that is enough. For now.

We will take it step by step.
Trusting our feelings.
For the rest of our lives.