The journey inward, the journey home.

A look back on 2 years of 'learning to feel.'

The journey together lasted almost two years, it turned out. Because when I reached out to you, I had no idea. I only knew that I had steps to take.

My breath was high in my chest, and my body was trying to tell me things, but I didn't quite understand what. Osteopathy had already brought me a lot, but it could be softer. It could be even slower. It could be with even more attention. Attention to be able to understand the subtle messages of my body.

I went googling and found you.

Last week, I felt that the circle was complete. I am on the threshold of the next phase of my life, and it fits perfectly. It fits so well that I reached out to you then. It fits so well that you were there in my process over the past two years. As a translator, as a signpost, as a 'space holder,' so I could fully discover my own truth and wisdom.

And I dared to stand for it.

We looked back together at what my request for help was at the time. I got goosebumps looking back, because it said:

I want to discover what there is to discover.

I want to let go of what can be let go of.

I want to see what can be seen.

I want to stay with my emotion instead of regulating it.

I want to be with myself, I want to stand up for myself and stay with myself.

I want to remain fully present instead of withdrawing and shutting down.

I want to fully occupy my own space with an open heart. New paths may emerge. Within me and outside of me.

We didn't make a plan. We just met each other. We worked with what was there. We sought out the tension. And in every meeting, it happened by itself. It wasn't planned, not directed, not thought out; what I desired unfolded exactly. No idea how, because we only took steps in the moment. What needed to be seen and felt in the moment simply presented itself.

“What is alive in you at this moment?” Often, the question didn't even need to be asked, because the moment I stepped into your space, it already began. A leg started trembling. A lump of sadness in my throat. Heaviness in my shoulders and neck. Or an experience presented itself to be shared.

Bit by bit, I got to know my own body. Bit by bit, I got to know myself. I learned how to go inward. How to listen to the wisdom within me. How my body is my greatest and most beautiful companion. How it has my best interests at heart and knows everything much better than my mind thinks it does. How I could begin to trust that wisdom. How exciting it sometimes is, because new paths are new and therefore exciting. But they are also so incredibly liberating. Because what a space is created. I have experienced a space in my own body. In my 'inner landscape.' A space through which I can breathe, with which I can connect, with which I can talk, where there is wisdom that guides me and lets me feel what still suits me and what no longer does.

In every moment over the past two years, I took steps that brought me to myself and kept me there. Steps that allowed me to transform old trauma and protection patterns and thereby stay present instead of checking out. To stay present, for myself and for others. Because a checked-out Evelien doesn't serve. It doesn't serve myself. It doesn't serve others. Also, an Evelien stuck in old patterns of hard work and trying so hard doesn't serve.

It's about surrender. About trust. About listening to the deeper Wisdom. About listening to the Love of Life itself.

It's about putting in the paddles and letting my boat float along.

Sometimes drifting in one place. Sometimes moving faster. But always in exactly the place where it is supposed to be. Because it really is good and I am taken care of. I don't need to control it. I don't need to adjust anymore. Everything can be there. Everything is good. Sigh.

And precisely then, you can come to painful and at the same time very beautiful discoveries. Things I hadn't thought of but that became visible now. Things that were already there but remained hidden. Things that needed to be seen. Facing them: oh so exciting, painful, difficult, unavoidable.

I could only do one thing: let my body tell me in every moment. There was no other option. I knew that if I let my head take the lead now, I wouldn't dare take a step. I could only let my body and my heart speak. Not think about the future, not think about the consequences, just feel in the now what my truth was. What was honest. However painful and tough. This was honest. This was love. Everything else would be based on fear.

I asked myself the question: could and would I look back later and say that I had chosen out of fear?

Then the rest of my life would be based on fear. And I couldn't do that. I want a life based on Love. Even if that Love looks different than I had always imagined. This was my answer. This was my choice. And life gave me exactly what I needed at every moment: the support, tools, and space to go inward, to feel, and to come home.

At the same time, I also got plenty of 'practical material.' One couldn't exist without the other. And I had exactly what I needed to move through this. I have felt so much support and love. From my body. From my family line. From my own Being. And from you. Such a sharp, powerful, and clear mirror. Honest. Open. Sincere.

Dear Jitske, as I have said before: What a creation this was. What a journey. Thank you for walking this path with me during this very special, sacred period in my life. A connection has been made. Between us. But above all between me and Me. Between myself and my wise, beautiful body. Between myself and my deeper Knowing. And that connection only gets stronger and stronger.

I have come Home.

In my boat.

Flowing with my stream.