About small moments that open big doors — and how old feelings can guide you back to your Essence.
Especially on the days that are ‘supposed’ to be joyful,
old voices can resurface. In this story,
I take you into my own journey through old patterns,
deep inner work,
and the remembrance
of who I truly am.
This is my story. Maybe you recognize yourself in it.
What Life is trying to tell me
Themes are surfacing in my life.
And honestly — I can’t help but dive into the deeper layers.
Everything is a mirror.
Everything a reflection.
What is this trying to show me?
So I go there.
Apparently, that’s just how I’m wired.
How my brain works.
How my entire nervous system responds.
What was really happening here?
Nothing is random.
And I love unwrapping the gifts life hands me.
And then — to anchor it within myself — I write.
I name it. I give it form.
So it can settle into my system.
So every cell in my body and soul can resonate with the truth that’s unfolding.
And so I begin to recognize and acknowledge.
To see the patterns and dynamics more clearly.
Softly. Lovingly.
And then… the right insights seem to find me.
It turns out, I had just started recording a new audio course about the human ego.
And this book found its way to me — offering little pieces of the puzzle.
Small pieces of my own inner puzzle.
The ego.
More accurately: the survival pattern.
Or even more so: the little girl inside me.
Or inside you. Or the little boy, of course.
Frozen in time.
Five years old.
Where feeling was too much. Not allowed.
Because feeling for yourself meant going against what your parents asked of you.
It created so much inner confusion.
Because what you felt was something entirely different than what you were seeing or hearing.
And in that dependency, that dissonance…
your system learned: this is unsafe.
Unsafe meant: I might not survive.
And so that fear — that survival fear — still lives in you.
It’s calling to be seen. Held. Felt.
Because the energy, the frequency, the experience…
is still very much alive inside you.
And the invisible, unconscious magnet within us keeps searching for ways to make it right — over and over again.
This part fully belongs to me.
But it is not who I truly am.
The old voice at Easter
When fear arises...
and now, during Easter, the voices return.
Everyone is happily together.
And I’m ‘alone.’
Phew. That’s an old one.
Dramatic. Everything. Everyone. Never. Always. Alone.
Those are the words of a child.
That’s the energy of the old story.
Because the honest truth is:
I didn’t even like ‘being cheerfully together.’
Now I know: I’m not wired for that many stimuli.
It doesn’t make me happy.
So I was there — and also not really there.
I didn’t consciously feel it, but I withdrew.
"Eef is so cheerful today."
No, not really.
I wasn’t cheerful — because it wasn’t meant for me.
I thrive in one-on-one connection. Intimate, close, real, open.
Where it gets real.
I feel suffocated by “more” and by superficiality.
But I thought that’s how it was supposed to be. So I adapted.
And now...
now...
everything is a mirror.
Well, this is the mirror I’m looking into today.
And I understand — especially now with Easter — why she speaks up.
I woke up with restlessness in my belly,
and a slightly anxious feeling.
"Sweetheart, what are you trying to tell me?"
And then this arose.
Yes, especially on these days, when “everyone is always having a good time”
and I now feel “alone” —
she appears.
And on the level of my survival self, I truly don’t know what life will be.
Not that I ever did — but back then, at least I had the illusion.
She already made it very clear to me once before:
Not without me anymore.
Never again without me.
So this time too, I pause.
Fear is always hers.
She tries to keep me safe in the future,
or reacts to something in the past.
Guilt, shame, fear — all of it lives there.
And you don’t resolve that by pushing it away or suppressing it.
Only by embracing it. Holding it.
Feeling it through.
And then... the most beautiful messages come through.
She belongs to me.
She is a part of me.
So I listen, I become still, and I give her now what she didn’t receive before.
Self-love begins where you stop pushing away — and start holding gently.
Coping mechanisms as a mirror of your old self
What I recognize — and what so many of us recognize — are those old patterns.
The automatic responses of the ‘little me’.
As soon as something rubs, triggers, or hurts, we tend to:
• People-please: making sure others like us, don’t reject us, or trying to control how we’re perceived.
• Project: placing our pain onto others instead of feeling what is truly ours.
• Minimize ourselves: rationalizing, downplaying, acting like “it’s not that bad.”
• Dissociate: leaving the body, checking out, not feeling.
• Deny: making a joke, lightening the mood — while it actually stings inside.
• Suppress our needs: and then manipulate to get them met anyway.
• Seek external validation: setting high goals, performing, impressing — because deep down we don’t believe we’re worthy.
• Or, we make ourselves small — afraid of the power that lives inside us.
That was me. Fully me.
And it deserves to be seen — softly.
Not as wrong. Not as something to fix.
But as an echo of something old that longs to be met with love.
Every forgotten part of you... ... is simply waiting to be loved back Home.
The Bigger Picture
From Separation to Self-Remembrance
And...
I also see the bigger picture.
Because she — my little girl, my survival part — is a part of my humanity.
A part of my avatar.
And there is something much greater.
A bigger story.
A reason why we lost our center.
Why it isn’t natural anymore for her — as part of me —
to feel fully integrated with who I truly am.
Because who I truly am…
is fully attuned.
Full of trust.
Overflowing in abundance.
Deeply knowing.
At ease.
Soft.
In love.
There is only NOW.
No worry about a future that doesn’t exist.
No judgment about a past that unfolded exactly as it needed to.
On that level, I feel only this:
I am. And that is enough.
But in this earthly experience,
in this ‘frequency trap’,
we’ve become cut off from that knowing.
From that grounding.
This has become a prison planet.
A reality where separation became the norm.
Where control, manipulation, guilt, and shame were woven into the collective field.
And that’s where the deepest root of the survival ego lives.
That’s where the separation from Self began.
That’s where the little girl in me started to believe she had to do it all alone.
Because the connection with who you truly are —
with your Source —
was no longer naturally felt.
And what you no longer feel,
you start to believe is lost.
So you begin to search.
Outside yourself.
In achievements. In relationships. In hard work.
In spiritual ‘improvement’.
In proving your worth or making yourself invisible.
But none of that is wrong.
It’s part of the game.
Seeing through the Matrix — and rewriting the collective field
Once you start seeing this,
you begin to feel it too:
everything in this world is programmed.
Frequencies. Vibrations. Codes.
Ones and zeros in a system.
The game we’re playing —
the one you incarnated into as this unique avatar —
is full of patterns and programs.
And no, it’s not easy.
Because you’re part of a collective field.
But here’s the magic:
What you reprogram within yourself shifts the whole.
And what you heal in the collective rewires your inner system.
You are the key.
You are the point where reality begins to shift.
When you stop feeding the old.
When you choose Love — again and again.
When you end the program by seeing through it.
Then…
you stop pleasing.
You stop fighting.
You stop playing small — or needing to be big.
You simply ARE.
You no longer live the old story,
but begin to remember the new one.
The one that was always there.
And from that place…
you begin to live your life on a completely new level.
Not from pressure.
But from Presence.
You don't have to fix anything. Only to remember who you truly are.
The deeper frequency of Easter
This is exactly what Easter means to me.
I remember it — about ten years ago, on Good Friday.
A wave of Love moved through me, around me.
“It is all already done.”
I don’t need to do anything.
Even then, I felt the unconditional nature of Love.
I couldn’t quite put words to it at the time —
because where I came from, it was still about guilt and sin.
But what I felt had nothing to do with guilt.
It was pure. Boundless. Love.
In the years since, so much has opened.
I feel a vast, deep Love — on levels I can barely describe —
for my Creator. Divine Father.
And no, not the “God” of the Bible.
That name still clenches in my stomach.
It’s something else.
Something wider. Freer. Vaster.
It exists beyond the frequency trap of this planet.
And Jesus?
To me, He feels like Divine Father incarnated.
Not because something had to be fixed.
Not because there was sin.
But because guilt, fear — the survival ego —
had been deeply embedded into this reality.
And the words “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?”
They weren’t His.
He is the Source.
He is the Field.
Those words reflect the human condition.
They mirror the programming in our collective mind.
That… was the deepest reprogramming ever occurred.
And then: three days of darkness.
A descent into the densest frequencies of the human experience —
not to suffer,
but to bring in a new field.
A new grid of Love, from the inside out.
Because everything is consciousness.
Everything is energy.
And only a consciousness that vast
could shift reality like that.
It wasn’t about the story.
Not about doctrine.
It was frequency.
It was remembrance.
A vibration of Love that always was —
and always will be.
And it’s also about us.
About our capacity to choose.
To stay in the old — in fear, performance, survival.
Or to choose the new.
Where wholeness lives.
Where freedom lives.
But that choice requires awareness.
Because otherwise…
the program keeps running.
And we stay five-year-olds in adult bodies,
replaying the same old story.
And yes, that’s hard to hear.
It’s not comfortable for the ego.
“Wait, are you saying I’m not really choosing?”
“That I thought I was doing well, but it’s still the old loop?”
Yes.
That’s what I’m saying.
To you.
To myself.
Because most of the time, we’re not really choosing.
The programs are in control.
Until we see them.
And once we see…
we can’t unsee.
And then comes the choice:
Do you stay in the loop?
Or do you go to the root —
and discover a completely new way of being?
A life of deep integration.
Of living from Essence.
Of coming Home to your Self.
That’s what these days are about for me.
I go deeper.
I soften.
I listen.
I open to what wants to flow —
and I trust the timing.
And the fact that I get to do this —
with this view, in this energy…
is pure grace.
And within that space,
with love for my human avatar,
for my Little Girl,
for all parts of me —
I keep asking:
What would Love do now?
What would Self Love choose right now?
And I let myself be led.
By Essence.
By my Higher Self.
I have one human to take care of.
So what is mine to do — now?
I wish you a beautiful Easter.
With all your loved ones —
and especially with all the beautiful parts of you,
within you.
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