You are already 18. On a journey of self-discovery.
And you are also just 18.

You are already 16. Searching for how you want to respond to an outside world that demands so much from you.
And you are also just 16.

You are already 14. And almost as tall as mom, because you wanted that so much.
And you are also just 14.

You are already 11. With a wisdom that is so much greater than you seem to be.
And you are also just 11.

You, darling, as the first in line, the oldest, get the biggest portion.
I still remember: you were lying on my stomach, just born, I held you and I promised you 'I will always be there for you.'
I wanted it so much.

And I didn't know.

I didn't know how for years I was so taken up by my story, by my background, by where I come from.
By the traumas that are there and want to be seen.
And by the traumas within me.

I didn't know that I was working so much in my background and that I was actually 'fixing', compensating, making things right there.
I didn't know I was so preoccupied, that I wasn't in my own place.
I didn't know that being a mother without a mother was so complicated.
I didn't know that because of this I couldn't be a 'clear counterpart' for you.
I didn't know that I had actually left.
And I didn't know that you knew.
I didn't know that you reached out and I couldn't give.

I didn't know.
All unconscious.
This is what trauma, frozen energy, does.
There is no blame and it is good to acknowledge what is. It is good to give it words.

Yes. Because that’s how it is.
The biggest portion for you.
And there is enough left for you all.

I gave what I could. With all the love in every fiber of my being.
And now I know more.
Now I am healing myself.
Now I am clearing the stones.
So you don't have to stumble over them anymore.
So I can be fully present.
In my place.
As your mother.
In my unique, beautiful way, where love always flows and where you can be completely yourselves.
Because I am completely myself. In my own place.
This is my greatest gift to you.

I see you.
I hold you.

You are perfect just as you are.
I am perfect just as I am.