When Life Begins to Carry You
Over the past few weeks, I could feel something being rearranged inside me. Really deep inside. Energetically.
I started getting these images, but mostly I could just feel it happening. It has happened before. I see things, I feel so much moving, and I just know: oh, something is about to happen again. I just have no idea what yet.
I could feel the change before I could see what it would bring into my life.
It was as if the pieces inside me were being placed in a different order, creating more space. More flow.
An intense period had come before it. During a journey to Poland and Auschwitz, so much started moving.
God, it was intense.
What was I clearing and releasing there from other experiences and lifetimes?
I could feel it everywhere. Old parts were being touched. My body felt restless. My inner world was shaking.
And then...
It became quieter.
Quieter.
With so much more space.
Sigh.
How wondrous it all is.
When you are right in the middle of it, you don't always see it. Looking back now, and feeling into it, it was so obvious.
Obvious inside me.
My outer life still looked pretty much the same.
But I was different in it. My energy was flowing differently. My relationship with my work, my body, relationships, safety and receiving had begun to shift.
Yes. That's how it works.
First, something changes inside. Your consciousness shifts. Your energy changes. Your connection with yourself and with Source deepens.
For a while, the outside world still holds the shape of who you were before.
The outside world is also a replay of your consciousness. What you experience outside yourself now is a delayed reflection of who you were before. So of course it makes sense.
And then your life begins to show you your change.
So cool.
The open loop inside me
At first, though, this was really about something.
In the period before, I had seen the same movement appearing in different relationships.
Life had shown it to me so clearly.
And through these relationships and experiences, life was giving me such a clear invitation to look, to feel all the way through it, and to finally close those old loops once and for all.
This was my chance.
I knew it.
However difficult it was.
Because if I'm really truthful, that part inside me was searching so intensely within those relationships.
That part of me, that little girl, reaching around her:
Daddy, where are you?
Daddy, do you see me? Will you choose me?
I thought you were there, Dad. Where are you?
These weren't thoughts I was consciously aware of. But they were there. They lived in my body.
And now they came fully to the surface.
That's what our relationships are for, isn't it? They mirror what is alive inside us, the energy and frequency we carry.
But oh, it hurt.
I felt it as a burning pain in my chest. An open place. Something that kept waiting for an ending that never came.
The people I met touched that place. Each time, the hope arose that maybe this story would end differently. That someone would stay. That someone would truly see me. That someone would finally give me what had been missing before.
I was trying to finish outside myself what had once been left unfinished inside me.
My mind already understood so much of this movement. My body was still searching for the experience that would finally close the loop. It was the burning pain of now, but really it belonged to then.
It was the same pain.
And you can know it. You can understand it with your mind. But that isn't quite enough.
It wants to be felt.
It wants to be truly lived through, experienced and lived.
And that pull, that force drawing you toward it so you can finally feel it, is so incredibly strong.
Your mind can think whatever it wants.
Your body wants to go there.
To that exact frequency, so it can resolve it.
It can look like falling in love, but it is something completely different. It is this enormous pull toward the very place that can shake this piece loose inside you and allow it to resolve.
Because it can only happen there. Inside that experience, that energy, that frequency that so closely resembles the triangulation and entanglement of before.
I see it now: if you truly want to resolve that old piece, it asks for a similar kind of entanglement in which you can choose differently this time.
That energy from then feels so familiar that it can almost feel comfortable. But it is there to show you where you are not yet free.
Where there is still more freedom waiting for you.
That is the power of what feels familiar.
Familiar.
Not safe.
Familiar.
This is a nervous system recognizing the reality in which it was formed. That reality feels so known. The body returns to it because this is the field in which it learned to survive.
It is the normal that was never truly normal.
How does a fish know it is swimming in water?
How does a body recognize unsafety when unsafety is all it has ever known?
And so we keep finding ourselves in experiences that touch the same old pain.
Different jackets.
Different faces.
The people seem to change. The circumstances seem to change.
But underneath, the movement remains exactly the same.
Until you see it.
Feel it.
And resolve it.
If you finally see me, choose me and hold me, then I can relax.
If you finally see me, choose me and hold me, then I can relax.
Which father is this really about?
And then clarity comes.
It seems to be about the relationship.
And it is about the wound in the relationship with your father and mother.
It is always old.
But I know now: in my life, this played itself out through my human father.
Through him, the absence became tangible. In my human life, my longing was directed toward him. Unconsciously, I wanted him to see me and choose me. A young part inside me believed that his presence could fill the open place.
But actually, it goes so much deeper.
That human father is also a representative.
A representative of something much bigger.
Which father is this really about?
Well.
This father reflects my own experienced distance, my being alone, my feeling alone and separated, from my divine origin.
From my Creator-Source.
From the living connection I came from.
From my Divine Parent.
And from mySelf.
The human experience of separation makes us believe that we have lost our origin. And then we begin searching outside ourselves for the love, safety and holding that belong to that original connection.
We ask a parent, partner, child, employer or life itself to give back to us what we believe we have lost.
Something inside us keeps calling:
See me.
Recognize me.
Let me feel that I exist.
Bring me home.
We project this same double image onto everyone and everything.
A partner has to give us something.
Or a father.
Or a boss.
And everywhere, we play out the same wound.
The deepest core wound woven through this reality: the experienced separation from Source and from ourSelf.
And then, somewhere along the way, we discover that the connection we have been searching for is still here.
Our Divine Essence was never damaged or separated.
The part inside us that felt alone simply lost the ability to experience that connection for a while.
It waited for someone outside itself, while the way home was inside.
The deepest loop closed when I began bringing home the part of me that was still waiting.
When I saw her.
When I stayed with her.
When I fully allowed her experience.
When I helped her remember where she truly came from.
The connection with my origin began landing in my body again.
And she started talking.
Talking.
Talking.
And I listened.
So this is what it was like for you.
Listening and letting her speak is such an extraordinary experience. You really begin seeing through different eyes.
Through the eyes and consciousness of who you were then.
And that is a very different experience, I can tell you.
Energy became available again
As this movement began to change inside me, I started realizing how much energy had been held inside that open loop.
Waiting costs energy.
Searching costs energy.
Controlling costs energy.
Constantly checking whether someone will stay, choose you, see you or carry you costs energy.
Reaching outside yourself, grabbing, searching, holding on... it costs so much energy.
It is the search for those parts inside us that so deeply want to come home.
When a separated part comes home, that energy becomes available again.
Space opens.
The body no longer needs to recreate the same reality again and again. The outside world no longer needs to keep showing us the old pain.
My fear is melting.
I sink deeper into myself.
My trust and inner knowing are growing.
I am becoming more and more okay with whatever happens.
And from that relaxation, I am also beginning to see how much life is already bringing to me.
I think of something, and the solution appears in a way I could never have imagined myself.
It is happening faster.
More consciously.
More clearly.
It is happening before my eyes... ;-)
I wanted a solution for my emails, and exactly that possibility came toward me.
I ordered something that didn't work properly. I thought: I need to figure this out and solve it sometime.
Shortly afterwards, I received a message:
I'll send this to you.
And what did someone send me?
Exactly the same thing.
Only this time, in a form that actually worked.
I don't have to force it.
I don't have to decide how something needs to be solved.
I notice that it happens.
Life moves toward me.
Everything keeps opening further.
And with that, another boundary appeared.
How much of this energy can I hold?
How much space, love, creation and support can I truly receive?
Where can I feel myself reaching my next edge?
Because receiving needs a container too.
Growth needs a holding structure too.
A greater flow needs enough space to actually move through.
The deepest loop closed when I began bringing home the part of me that was still waiting.
Who is going to help me carry all of this?
The same inner movement became visible in my work.
The Source was growing.
More and more was flowing through me. Meditations, courses, transmissions, writing and new discoveries were finding their form.
And every creation brought a whole sequence of practical actions with it.
Files needed to be prepared, translated, uploaded, scheduled, connected and published in different places. Emails needed to be written. Information needed to be tracked.
Open loops appeared everywhere.
I wanted to close them.
I wanted to create something and then feel that the creation had truly found its place.
At the same time, my body was longing for something else.
Walking.
Movement.
Fascia exercises.
BodyBalance.
Being outside.
Rest.
Space to feel.
Space in which new creation could move through me.
And I noticed myself thinking more and more often:
Who is going to come and help me so I can carry all of this?
An assistant seemed like the logical next step. Someone who could take over all those actions for me.
I knew that way of working from previous businesses. I knew how to organize it.
And then the question changed.
How do I build a system in which I simply don't have to carry all of this myself anymore?
That question came from a different place inside me.
The missing supporting structure didn't need to be filled by another person.
I started building that structure myself.
And it just happened.
When I describe it now, it sounds like a linear story.
The actual movement unfolds more like a flower opening, petal by petal.
And every petal holds another surprise.
How do I build a system in which I simply don't have to carry all of this myself anymore?
Abundance needs a container too
The surprises keep coming.
Over the past two years, The Source had become clearer and clearer in its structure and essence.
The foundation was there.
The framework was there.
New creations could be hung onto that framework like new jackets.
But I was still personally carrying every single jacket to every place where it needed to appear.
And so much more was being created than could ever fully land and flow through.
And I began to understand:
Abundance needs a container too.
When so much is being created through you, it asks for a structure capable of receiving it.
A form in which everything can find its place.
A system that closes the execution loops and supports the flow.
Suddenly, completely different parts of my life began coming together.
Almost twenty-five years ago, in my very first job, I was already working on automation projects.
More projects followed in which I designed processes, built structures and found logical ways for information to flow.
And now I get to do it again.
I am building an operating system that will eventually take over the processing and administrative actions.
A system that helps publications find their way while I can walk, move and create.
As I worked on it, all kinds of old experiences started coming back.
I recognized so much.
I remembered how these processes work.
I could feel that I knew how to build this myself with the technology available now.
Oh.
That's why I did all of that.
Yes.
My whole life up until now made sense.
Everything contributed to this.
Experiences that once seemed completely separate turned out to be part of the same movement.
The knowledge was already there.
The love of systems was already there.
The ability to bring order to a complicated flow was already there.
And now that whole history could become part of what I truly want to create.
My outer world was beginning to organize itself around who I had become.
Abundance needs a container too.
What do I allow to carry me?
Technology plays an important role in the holding structure I am building now.
It helps me structure, translate, connect, retrieve, prepare and distribute.
It allows a creation to find its way after it has come into being, while I keep space for the process that is truly mine.
During this process, someone told me about a tool that could clone my voice.
I could upload an audio recording and then have new meditations generated in my voice.
My body responded immediately.
This is the other way around.
Oh.
Yes.
Crystal clear.
Because for me, a meditation is so much more than a finished product.
I receive something.
I write.
I speak the words.
My body moves through the experience.
I hear myself saying the new words.
My energy changes.
I reprogram myself.
That is why I create the meditation.
That is the process.
That is where it actually happens for me.
Only afterwards is there an audio that someone else can receive.
That audio is a gift of the process.
Something I can share after it has moved through me.
Technology does not belong between Source and me.
It can stand behind me.
It can say:
Give me what has truly moved through you. I will help you structure it, translate it, connect it and help it land in the right places.
And then space appears.
Space to continue doing myself everything that changes me.
Space to allow support with everything that comes afterwards.
For me, this is an important boundary in this time:
What do we hand over to technology, and which processes do we continue to live through ourselves because the process itself is what changes us?
And that question reaches far beyond technology.
Which processes in our work, our relationships and our everyday lives shape us as we move through them?
Where is our living connection?
Which movement truly belongs to us?
What can be carried by another human being, a system or technology?
And what stays with us because living through it is exactly what we are here for?
Technology does not belong between Source and me. It can stand behind me.
Support takes on a different meaning
Self-love, to me, means that I no longer leave myself in my connection with another.
I love working together.
I love receiving.
I feel grateful when people offer something, think alongside me or come and stand beside me.
I don't want to do everything alone at all.
The meaning of support has changed.
Another human being no longer needs to become my foundation.
Technology does not need to become my source.
The outside world does not need to produce my safety.
My foundation arises from the living connection with Source, my Divine Essence and my human self.
From that holding, support can enter freely.
The other person gets to be themselves.
Technology gets to do what it is genuinely helpful for.
Life gets to bring solutions in forms my human mind could never have imagined.
I no longer need to make anyone responsible for closing my old loop.
And because of that, I can receive so much more.
Support no longer needs to fill an open place inside me.
It can join what is already flowing within me.
People can stand beside me.
Technology can stand behind me.
Life can move around me.
And I can remain standing within myself.
Space to live
I can feel how quickly everything is moving now.
Old parts still come up.
They are allowed to be here.
Every part gets to come home.
Every puzzle piece gets to find its new place.
And underneath it all, space keeps growing.
Space.
Space.
Space.
Space to enjoy.
Space for gratitude to flow.
Space for my body.
Space to walk and move.
Space for love.
Space for the creative flow.
Space to receive my life as it unfolds.
First, I felt the change inside myself.
Now I can see my outer world beginning to move with it.
Solutions appear.
People offer exactly the right thing at exactly the right moment.
Earlier experiences take on a new meaning.
My work is finding a holding structure that fits who I have become.
And I sink.
I trust.
I am okay with what happens.
This is what true support means to me.
You don't have to know beforehand how everything will unfold.
You stay present with what is moving inside you.
You bring home the parts that are still searching outside themselves.
You deepen your connection with who you truly are.
From that alignment, the next step becomes visible.
Sometimes it appears as an inner knowing.
Sometimes as an unexpected message.
Sometimes as someone offering exactly the thing you had been thinking about only moments before.
Sometimes as a system that suddenly makes possible what you have been longing for for a very long time.
Life carries you in ways your human mind could never have imagined beforehand.
Which open loop is still alive in you?
You can recognize an open loop by the quiet hope that a parent, partner, child, employer, money, success or your body will eventually give you what some part of you is still waiting for.
Somewhere inside you, the question remains:
If you finally see me, choose me, recognize me or carry me, can I relax?
Which part of you is asking that question?
What is it truly longing for?
And which father, mother, lover or Source is this really about?
The movement begins by meeting that part.
By listening.
By staying present.
By feeling what the experience was truly like for this part of you.
By remembering the connection that never actually disappeared.
That is where the old loop closes.
That is where energy becomes available again.
That is where space to receive opens.
And that is where true support begins.
Continue exploring
Take your time.
Explore gently.
And enjoy discovering
more of who you truly are.
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