I sometimes wonder the same thing about safety.
That sense of unsafety lived inside the water I had always been swimming in, so I experienced it as normal.
From the outside, much of my childhood looked okay. I had what I needed materially. There was love. There was a family.
Underneath that visible reality, my nervous system was living a different experience.
My mother became ill when I was young. Only much later did I begin to understand what that meant for me as a little girl. Her energy naturally moved toward survival. The availability I needed from her changed.
Then there was my father, carrying his own trauma and trying to survive in his own way.
As a child, this lived underneath words.
My body knew.
When survival feels like personality
A child finds a way to live inside the world that is available.
I adapted.
I pleased.
I worked hard.
I tried to control the world around me.
These movements helped me stay connected and keep going. For a very long time, I experienced them simply as who I was.
They simply felt like me.
That is one of the things I now find so fascinating about protection. We can only recognize a pattern once another experience becomes available.
For me, that reference point slowly began to appear through my connection with Source. I started to experience another frequency within myself. More space. More alignment. A sense that there was something larger holding me.
From there, life began showing me the places in which my human was still living from an older reality.
The outside world showed me the inside
I began to see the same movement in my relationships.
Deep underneath them lived an old longing.
Choose me, Dad.
Choose me.
The child in me was still trying to complete something that had remained open. Life kept bringing me relationships in which that exact frequency became visible.
Everything in me wanted to hold on.
The old pain said:
Never again the abandonment.
Never again that feeling of being alone.
At the same time, another movement became stronger.
I knew I had to choose myself.
My body began responding. My inner guidance became clearer. Eventually I reached a point where I knew: this is my chance to choose another frequency.
So I listened.
With a deep bow and so much gratitude for everything those relationships had shown me, I let the old lines go.
The next part was completely unknown.
I only knew that I had to do this for me.
When the parts began to speak
For the first time, I was truly alone with myself.
Me and the little girl inside me, held within something much larger.
Slowly, my system began to release on another level.
My pelvis. My hips. My jaw. Trembling. Waves moving through my body during BodyBalance, while walking, and in quiet moments at home.
When fear, pain or contraction appeared, I began to write.
“Okay, sweetheart, are you here again? Come. I am listening.”
Sometimes it felt as if my hands simply took over.
The words that came were different from the way my adult self would explain the situation.
My adult self can understand.
She can say: of course this happened. Everyone did the best they could. It makes sense.
The little girl speaks from somewhere else.
“I was so alone.
I felt so alone.
I missed Mum so much.
And I had no one to share it with.”
That is the voice I needed to hear.
Understanding the story from today is one layer. Listening to the part that actually lived it is another.
When it became safe enough, the parts began to speak.
Carl Jung
A small trigger can open an old room
Recently, my niece made a beautiful book for her daughter’s eighteenth birthday.
It touched me deeply.
My first thought was about my own children.
Shit. I wish I had made something like that for them.
Then I stayed with the feeling.
Underneath it was another truth.
I longed for that too.
That was the pain.
I would have loved that kind of bedding. That attention. That feeling of someone holding my story with me.
My adult mind can move through that realization very quickly.
The younger part needs something else.
She needs time.
She needs to tell me how lonely it felt.
She needs me to stay.
The survivor belongs too
There is another layer here that matters deeply to me.
Once we begin recognizing our survival strategies, a new layer of self-rejection can appear.
Why did I shut down?
Why did I keep everything inside?
Why did I please so much?
Why did I lose myself?
Why did I work so hard?
I can look at that part of myself differently now.
She protected me.
Checking out served a purpose.
Adapting served a purpose.
Pleasing others, working hard and trying to control the outside world were ways my system tried to keep me safe.
I feel deep gratitude for that intelligence.
The survivor comes Home too.
Bringing every part Home
This is where self-love has become very real for me.
It is the moment I feel the contraction and stay.
The moment I hear the younger voice and listen.
The moment I recognize the survival strategy and meet it with gratitude.
The moment I allow the body to release what it is ready to release.
The moment I bring Source, Love and awareness into a place that once knew only fear and survival.
Slowly, the different parts begin to take their rightful place.
Every part belongs. Every part has a story. Every part can come Home.
Continue exploring
Take your time.
Explore gently.
And enjoy discovering
more of who you truly are.
Explore this theme
Every theme is a doorway.
Trust what resonates and allow your own guidance to lead the way.
Experience this directly
Listen to this focussed intention
that invites you to reconnect
with your deeper Essence.
Go deeper
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